Well. I have so many things I want to sort out that I don't even know where to begin. I have a hard time finding time to blog lately which is a huge pain in the ass, and stuff just keeps piling up.
My lady seems... unhappy. Not with me, we are getting along well. We communicate well I believe. She seems unhappy with Z. That really bothers me. I would be devestated if they broke up. I could not be with either of them. I don't know how to be helpful, but I do know that in a poly relationship if one person has a problem everyone has a problem.
I am growing more comfortable with the fact that I'm still submissive. In some ways it feels like coming home. I'm not the person I once was, that is certainly true. I can't see myself ever being a total doormat again. And, yet... I still love to serve. I denied it and ran from it for so long. I was scared. Hell, I'm still scared. But, it makes me happy.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Key Players
Z~ My best friend, lover, and dominant.
my lady~ my girlfriend and Z's fiancee
Brad~ my son, 11, autistic
Kami~ my daughter, 8
Sandi~ Z's youngest daughter, her mother is my lady.
Angie~ Z's oldest daughter
Vanessa~ my closest sister
Marcie~ my oldest sister
I'll add to this as more key players become obvious.
my lady~ my girlfriend and Z's fiancee
Brad~ my son, 11, autistic
Kami~ my daughter, 8
Sandi~ Z's youngest daughter, her mother is my lady.
Angie~ Z's oldest daughter
Vanessa~ my closest sister
Marcie~ my oldest sister
I'll add to this as more key players become obvious.
A Puzzle
Z and I had a talk about how I needed to be comfortable being myself. *sigh* I don't know. I see his point. If I am uncomfortable or ashamed of any part of myself, I should try to work to correct them so I can be completely comfortable with who I am. I agree.
The problem is, its not that I'm ashamed of who I am... its that I don't trust most people to see it. The fact is, its not that hard to hurt me if I truly let you in. If I drop my defences with you, you can lacerate me. I am just not at all interested in letting that happen. I'm really not trying to go the whole my submission is a beautiful gift route. Its honestly just part of who I am. However, very few people (I can name only two adults) are going to be in my inner circle.
Is it wrong to want to be allowed to hide myself in front of others? Is this disrespectful? Is it self protection as I see it or selfish?
I have no fucking idea. But, its one to puzzle out.
The problem is, its not that I'm ashamed of who I am... its that I don't trust most people to see it. The fact is, its not that hard to hurt me if I truly let you in. If I drop my defences with you, you can lacerate me. I am just not at all interested in letting that happen. I'm really not trying to go the whole my submission is a beautiful gift route. Its honestly just part of who I am. However, very few people (I can name only two adults) are going to be in my inner circle.
Is it wrong to want to be allowed to hide myself in front of others? Is this disrespectful? Is it self protection as I see it or selfish?
I have no fucking idea. But, its one to puzzle out.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Beginning To Define Myself
Who am I?
... I am a mother. I strive at all times to place their needs first. I have Brad almost constantly and honestly, I like it that way. I miss him when he is not with me, and I worry about him. He is truly the center of my life. Kami... well, I'm working hard on rebuilding that relationship. She is coming to a point where she seems completely bonded with me. Which makes me happier than I can say.
... I am intelligent and self reliant. I work hard at anything I do. I don't need anyone. The people in my life are there because I want them. I am a survivor who can do whatever needs to be done to keep moving forward. I am determined.
...I love to laugh and smile. My sense of humor is my cheif coping mechanism for a life that has been very hard. I love to dance and play. It takes very little to make me happy because I can appreciate small pleasures. There is nothing like the feel of freshly washed sheets or the smell of coffee brewing. I genuinely enjoy life most of the time, just by appreciating the little things.
...I am hard. I have a very hard shell that I show most people. I am extremely reserved and have a hard time trusting anyone even a little. I can be very abrasive, seeming downright cruel at times. I have no interest in letting most people beyond this point. My window dressing has served me well and most people have stopped trying to reach beyond my comfort level. Fuck off is clearly written in my posture and body language. This feels like a success to me. I was sally sweet for most of my life and got fucked over royally for it. The shell has put an end to a lot of my problems.
...I am soft. Here is the part I am struggling with. Inside the shell, where the true me lives, is a creature who is soft. I feel things very intensely. I genuinely enjoy being submissive. I love the feeling of serving and being useful. I do love my partners. I really want to be comfortable letting at least them into my shell. I want to be able to revel in someone I love and respect being able to look at the true me and not feel either disgust, a desire to destroy, or even indifference. What I dream of is for them both to look at that vunerable me and embrace it.
... I am a mother. I strive at all times to place their needs first. I have Brad almost constantly and honestly, I like it that way. I miss him when he is not with me, and I worry about him. He is truly the center of my life. Kami... well, I'm working hard on rebuilding that relationship. She is coming to a point where she seems completely bonded with me. Which makes me happier than I can say.
... I am intelligent and self reliant. I work hard at anything I do. I don't need anyone. The people in my life are there because I want them. I am a survivor who can do whatever needs to be done to keep moving forward. I am determined.
...I love to laugh and smile. My sense of humor is my cheif coping mechanism for a life that has been very hard. I love to dance and play. It takes very little to make me happy because I can appreciate small pleasures. There is nothing like the feel of freshly washed sheets or the smell of coffee brewing. I genuinely enjoy life most of the time, just by appreciating the little things.
...I am hard. I have a very hard shell that I show most people. I am extremely reserved and have a hard time trusting anyone even a little. I can be very abrasive, seeming downright cruel at times. I have no interest in letting most people beyond this point. My window dressing has served me well and most people have stopped trying to reach beyond my comfort level. Fuck off is clearly written in my posture and body language. This feels like a success to me. I was sally sweet for most of my life and got fucked over royally for it. The shell has put an end to a lot of my problems.
...I am soft. Here is the part I am struggling with. Inside the shell, where the true me lives, is a creature who is soft. I feel things very intensely. I genuinely enjoy being submissive. I love the feeling of serving and being useful. I do love my partners. I really want to be comfortable letting at least them into my shell. I want to be able to revel in someone I love and respect being able to look at the true me and not feel either disgust, a desire to destroy, or even indifference. What I dream of is for them both to look at that vunerable me and embrace it.
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