Who am I?
... I am a mother. I strive at all times to place their needs first. I have Brad almost constantly and honestly, I like it that way. I miss him when he is not with me, and I worry about him. He is truly the center of my life. Kami... well, I'm working hard on rebuilding that relationship. She is coming to a point where she seems completely bonded with me. Which makes me happier than I can say.
... I am intelligent and self reliant. I work hard at anything I do. I don't need anyone. The people in my life are there because I want them. I am a survivor who can do whatever needs to be done to keep moving forward. I am determined.
...I love to laugh and smile. My sense of humor is my cheif coping mechanism for a life that has been very hard. I love to dance and play. It takes very little to make me happy because I can appreciate small pleasures. There is nothing like the feel of freshly washed sheets or the smell of coffee brewing. I genuinely enjoy life most of the time, just by appreciating the little things.
...I am hard. I have a very hard shell that I show most people. I am extremely reserved and have a hard time trusting anyone even a little. I can be very abrasive, seeming downright cruel at times. I have no interest in letting most people beyond this point. My window dressing has served me well and most people have stopped trying to reach beyond my comfort level. Fuck off is clearly written in my posture and body language. This feels like a success to me. I was sally sweet for most of my life and got fucked over royally for it. The shell has put an end to a lot of my problems.
...I am soft. Here is the part I am struggling with. Inside the shell, where the true me lives, is a creature who is soft. I feel things very intensely. I genuinely enjoy being submissive. I love the feeling of serving and being useful. I do love my partners. I really want to be comfortable letting at least them into my shell. I want to be able to revel in someone I love and respect being able to look at the true me and not feel either disgust, a desire to destroy, or even indifference. What I dream of is for them both to look at that vunerable me and embrace it.
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I lost you when your other site was taken down and every now and then I'd check to see if you had another blog. i read all of your other blogs. i have emailed you once before. i wondered if you were ok and still alive. i am so glad you are still alive and still surviving, and making a new new life for yourself. You are the strongest human being I have ever encountered. I send you much love even though we have never met. love to all your parts. I've been a single mama for 11 years and in some ways its easier. I pray for things to be easier for you. i am so glad you are still on this earth. Laura
ReplyDeleteHey Laura,
ReplyDeleteI don't use this blog anymore... but I do have one. If you'd like the link, drop me a line and I'll give it to you.